How To Avoid Being Lonely And Embrace Being Alone

One of my father's favorite songs was "Have You Ever Been Lonely." It was written and first recorded in 1933. I don't know which of the many artists who recorded the song inspired my father. I always thought it was Hank Williams, but he never recorded it.

I remember, as a kid, when my father would play his guitar and sing that song. Some of the words were, "Have you ever been lonely? Have you ever been blue? Have you ever loved someone, just as I love you?" Another line in the song was very prophetic. "How can I go on living now that we're apart?"

As I've looked back over the years at my father's short life (died at 42 by his own hand) and my life, the words have some deeper meaning to me. My parents, like many married couples, had their problems. As a young man, just coming of age when my father died, I didn't know how lonely his existence was.

Also, I didn't know my mother was asking for a divorce and the prophetic line, "How can I go on living, now that we're apart?" would ring true. I cannot imagine how lonely he must have felt during those final days and moments.

Have You Ever Been Lonely?

I don't have any polls or scientific data to back up my thoughts. I feel reasonably safe in saying everyone must experience some periods of loneliness. We are social animals. We live in tribes, hamlets, villages, neighborhoods, towns and cities. We socialize through religious beliefs, schools, work, families, friends and neighbors. Probably the most powerful social bond is the monogamous mating pair.

Being lonely can be realized in a variety of ways from not having any friends, being ostracized at school or work and in some cultural structures by exile from the tribe, community or family.  Whatever the circumstance, it is a feeling of emptiness. Being lonely allows too much time to focus inward on feelings that one is not acceptable, loveable or worthy of being part of a group.

Whatever the cause may be, it can be overcome and, I'd go as far as saying it must be overcome. Every single person is a "designer original." There is not another person who has ever lived or among the seven plus billion on the Earth today who is like any other person.

The Joy Of Being Alone

There is another side of the picture. Again, I have no polls or scientific data, but it is my firm belief that every human NEEDS some alone time. Being lonely and being alone are very different. Lonely is a time of low self-esteem, low self-worth festering in one's mind because he or she may have been rejected or excluded from some relationship or grouping. Being alone is a positive time when one can focus on their own positive self-worth, dreams, goals, objectives and it raises self-esteem.

I have experienced a lot of very lonely times. It has even been when in the company of my former mate, family and various groupings. I experienced another kind of loneliness when my marriage crumbled and I was living on my own again after about 20 years. It was an emotionally painful time. I began to understand more about the action my father took at age 42 and the prophetic words of the song. I made mistake after mistake attempting to prove to myself that I was a desirable person. Typically, I chose the wrong people. This only caused more pain.

Finally, and there was no great flash of light or burning bush or revelation, I realized that the person I was missing in my life was . . . ME! That's right! I had, for so many years, bought into the idea that I needed someone to "complete me." But, each of us is a complete person. We can enhance someone else or someone else can enhance us, but we can neither complete or be completed externally.

Alone And Free At Last

That was the day my life changed. For those with deep Christian faiths, you might say you were "saved" or "born again." And that's exactly how I felt. There were no angelic choirs, flashes of lightning or any other paranormal manifestations. And, it wasn't instantaneous. It was a growing feeling of contentment and fulfillment and joy of just being ME. I became my own best friend. I accepted myself with all my flaws and inadequacies as well as my gifts and talents. I'm not perfect, I'm just the perfect me.

I also decided to adopt an - what you see is what you get, attitude. You don't have to like me or live with me. I like me just fine and I'm the only one who has to live with me. 

I became aware of all the gifts I'd received over my lifetime. I found  being free allowed me open ended options of becoming very close to certain people and not as close to others. I gave up being judgmental.

While no person is an island unto himself or herself, each of us has to be self-reliant and not co-dependent. Enjoying a relationship with another human being is one of the great gifts and joys of life. Becoming co-dependent on anyone else is giving away one's personal freedom. The three most valuable gifts we receive at birth are life, time and personal freedom.

If you're lonely, and I know some of you are, then begin seeking your best friend inside yourself. Accept yourself and your unique gifts and talents. Explore your gifts and talents. Little by little you'll find you'll begin attracting other people to you, who, like you, are on a similar journey. Let the joy of being alone begin.